Resentment

Grace and I have been minimally interacting over the past few weeks. I’ve been letting the dogs out when she has to work long days, and she has been letting me store my lawnmower in the shed for a few more weeks. 

Last night, I went to let the dogs out, and my “need” for information got me into snooping around the house. I discovered that she had been using our “adult toys” by herself. My Resentment shot through the roof. If I’m not allowed to masturbate, why is she? If she has these high expectations that I remain completely celibate for 3 months, why is she allowed to enjoy personal playtime? If I’m being asked to resist all urges of lust and fantasy, why is she allowed to act out on her urges of list and fantasy? I hate double standards, and this one has me ALL KINDS of wound up. 

Every day, I have to mentally overcome physical and chemical reactions and dependencies in my body. It is a giant challenge for me. Finding out that she’s not holding herself to the same standard felt extremely disrespectful to the challenges I’m facing. It is similar to having a few drinks in front of someone struggling with alcoholism – it shows that you don’t really care about their struggle. 

To be fair, I only found out because I was snooping around. I very much violated her personal, private space. Also, the only agreement we have is that we’ll talk again in a couple months. 74 days to be exact. She has no responsibility to me. She doesn’t have to answer to me about anything. According to her, we’re both single people who are trying to get our lives sorted out so we can have a chance to start dating each other in the future. 

So, I’m staying absolutely celibate. I’m going to 6-8 meetings every week. I’m fighting to change my life, and who I have become across 25 years of addiction. I’m doing all of this for a CHANCE to date the woman I’m madly in love with, and who I spent the past 4.5 years with.