For a month or so, I wasn’t very good at keeping up with this blog. Here’s some info to fill in the missing pieces.
Shortly after my 30 day chip, Grace and I started rebuilding what I/we had broken. Daily texting turned into daily conversations. Daily conversations turned into going to church and sitting at coffee shops for hours-long conversations. I thought things were progressing safely. There was some hand-holding and hugs, but nothing physical other than that. We were learning how to be open, honest, and vulnerable with each other. This felt like a big change for me, and she noticed it as well. There were arguments and disagreements, but I felt that we were learning how to work through conflict together.
The change came when Grace decided she was/is a love and relationship addict. She started attending SLAA meetings, and I had the strong feeling that it was only a matter of time before she decided she needed to “detox” from our relationship. For almost two weeks she reassured me that she wasn’t going anywhere, and she was just learning how to deal with her addiction. Then she got a sponsor and everything changed. In three days, we went from having a long chat at Starbucks, to a complete isolation. She decided that in order to detox, she couldn’t be involved with me at all. She blocked me on her phone, informed me that any contact with me will be breaking her sobriety, and told me that if I break her sobriety she doesn’t know if we’ll come back from that extreme disrespect.
So here I am, lost and drifting. I’m in love with a woman who treats me like a toxic addiction that she needs to recover from. I have no idea when or if she will reach out to me again. I know her recovery isn’t about me or what I want and need – it is about her becoming a healthier person. But I’m stuck here in limbo without information, without communication, and without closure. Am I supposed to wait an indefinite number of months? Am I supposed to move on? Should I wait three months then move on? I have no right answer, and no possible way to predict what that is. For now, though, I’ll continue to work on my program and wait for the woman I’ve called My Greatest Love, and My Greatest Adventure. I love you, Grace.