Day 120

Recovery is a rollercoaster. It has been 120 days without orgasm. That probably hasn’t happened since high school or maybe junior high school. My body recognizes this, and there have been some negative and uncomfortable physical effects, which I will spare you the details of. 

Grace and I are working through reconnecting, and learning while making mistakes. We haven’t even kissed since April. I get frustrated sometimes because all of her wants and needs from the relationship (non-physical intimacy, openness, lots of quality time, and all of the other things women crave) are being fulfilled, while some of my biggest wants and needs aren’t even on the table for discussion. Also, we still have some pretty big communication blocks, which we’ll probably start to address when we start counseling together again. I DO really like that we’re focusing more on communication, even though we’re not great at it. I feel that since we have been so unhealthy through our lives, it is going to take time for us to figure out how to have openness and honesty with each other. 

I’ve started a new job which requires me to return to the travel schedule I had before recovery. I’m still a bit nervous about it. There is constantly the opportunity for me to cheat and keep it a secret. I used to think that I was a normal guy who had the biological instinct to look at women, but now I’m recognizing how difficult it is for me to NOT look at the woman wearing the short-shorts. Every day is a chance for me to practice my program… 

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