Anorexia

Day 76 of sobriety. I’m pretty sure I’m headed down the same sexual path I was on during puberty and high school. Abstenance. True Love Waits. 

Sex is wrong. Sex is wrong. Sex is wrong. Sex is wrong. Sex is wrong. Sex is wrong.

I feel guilty for every sexual thought. I feel guilty for enjoying how the woman in the short-shorts and tank top looks. I feel guilty for being ridiculously attracted to Grace, and occasionally reliving sex with her in my mind. We did a lot of really fun, hot “activities,” and I really miss sex with her. Over four years of an adult relationship, with some really really great sex, and now I’m being told that thinking about it is “feeding my addiction.” 

Isn’t sex supposed to be a way to connect? To build a bond? God made man’s release of oxytocin post-orgasm for a reason. Is fantasizing about and lusting for your wife/partner really “wrong”? In many circles and groups (especially religious groups), “I really want to have sex with my wife today!” is considered wrong, unless it is in the context of reproduction or “I really want to connect with and show love to my wife.” Sex with your wife simply for physical fun and pleasure “feeds the addiction” and needs to be monitored and controlled. 

Going through life feeling guilty and shameful about sex sounds like a miserable existence. I simply can’t accept that position. 

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